And here returns the slackness


WOW for someone who was going to post every single day in October, I’ve not really done so well have I?
Let’s see what else has fallen off the bandwagon shall we?

Rocktober? Umm that’s a bust. I hadn’t exercised at all until today….

Octsober? Huh, this one was supposed to be the easiest one for me to do. Then we went to Adelaide for 5 days and had a hellish time, so I bought a bottle of Kahluah. Yep, been having a few glasses here and there throughout the weeks to add onto the Adelaide trip. So nope, Octosober is a bust.

Blogtoberfest? Well, lack of posting shows that I haven’t been doing that. I’ve tried to get crafty as well, but that’s just not happened either. Lots of good intentions, followed up by no action.

Lead up to NaNoWriMo? Also a BIG HUGE BUST. I really haven’t done much with the month so far, except crocheting. I’ve been doing a bit of that. NaNo is the one thing that has me worried though, because I really want to complete it this year and I want to do a great thing with my story.

So, do I have any excuses? Nope, none. Just general lack of caring. Add to that, more family dramas and I just lost motivation or care factor to do anything at all. But I did join a gym today. It’s only for ten days, but i’m going to see how it goes, and then see if I can find money in my budget to keep on going after that. I need to get back into doing something that makes me feel good and energised. I need to get back into losing weight. I need to stop saying I need and rather actually DO.

Speaking of weight. Weighed myself today and am quite disgusted to note that I have gone back up to 105.8kg. I’m more than when I officially started the 12WBT challenge at the beginning of the year. So I’m going to attempt to set myself another goal. By the end of this year, I would like to be 95kg. That’s only 10kg, but it should be doable. So here we go again, let’s get rocking for October and make the most of the rest of this month. And here’s to more posting and crafting 🙂

Hurting bad

Today’s daily food intake…

Weigh in day – yesterday (oops)

Previous weight: 103.4kg.
Today’s weight: 102.6kg.
0.8kg loss

Today was not my day!

Finally, finally after so many times trying I got up at 6.20am ready and energised from yesterday to do my shuffle in the morning. Got myself dressed and out the door, ready to do the whole route this morning before I had to go home and get ready for work.

Right, well that lasted a whole ten f*cking minutes. I was really pumping my legs and jogging (it wasn’t even shuffling today, it was proper jogging) and my back was straight, my arms were pumping, I was breathing well…


Until my shoe found a rock (or a twig, or something, I don’t even know what now) and I fell. Not on my arse, no. Flat on my face. Arms outstretched, jarred my plated wrist and smacked my teeth into my lip. All I could do was get up in masses of pain and literally scream “Why the hell does this happen to me all the bloody time?” I was so upset. I was hurt, I was angry, I was sad and glum, I was every bad emotion you could think of.

It was at that point that I turned around and went home to assess the damage I’d managed to do to myself. So my total training time was 15 minutes. Unbelievable. Thankfully I didn’t chip any teeth, but the damage to my lip was not pretty. Sliced it nice and deep on the inside, bruised it at the bottom and managed to slice the outside of my lips both top and bottom. But the worst is that the impact of smacking my hand into the ground has left me with terrible wrist pain again all day, not to mention the fact that my palm is all grazed up too.

The damage I do to myself

More damage

But seriously, the worst part of it all is not the physical injuries but the mental thoughts going around and around in my head now. It took me so long to work up the courage to get out there and try running, telling myself that of course I’m not going to fall over again, I’m not going to break any more bones. And now I’ve gone and done that. Fallen over and hurt myself again and it sounds stupid, but I’m so damn scared of doing it again, because I really, really, really don’t want to break any more bones. I don’t want any more plates in my body and more than anything I don’t want any more scars on my body. But that’s all arguing with the want to be able to get out there and run. At the moment though, I just don’t know which voice in my head is going to win. But I do think I need to look at my exercise plan and perhaps change it in case I don’t get back out there shuffling.

Lessons learned

Today’s daily food intake…

I feel so tired and zonked tonight, but I really have no reason to be. I was all geared up for swimming tonight, which was going to be followed by an aquaerobics class at the same place with Miss A. I left work, bag all packed and ready, rocked up to the pool to be faced with a sign saying that the pool was “unfortunately closed today due to unforseen circumstances and will re-open at 7am on Wednesday”. I was crestfallen and gobsmacked all at the same time. Then the loss set in. I didn’t know what to do. Should I go home and do a dvd or should I go for a walk? What, what, what do I do?

So I thought I’d go down to the K-Mart and buy Michelle Bridges Seek & Destroy Cardio Kicker dvd. After walking around the shop and the dvd section in particular for nearly half an hour I finally found a sales assistant who kindly informed me that, “No sorry, we don’t sell exercise dvd’s here”. WTF??? What kind of shopping centre is this? Sometimes I hate Port Lincoln, seriously. (Not really, I love it here, I just hate the lack of shopping facilities).

Fine I thought, I have the Michelle Bridges Super Shredder Circuit dvd at home, I’ve never done it so that will be something different from Zumba. I got home, got changed, got Hettie working and started. I made it all the way through the warm up to the point where Michelle goes over the different exercises in the circuit. I seriously nearly cried at this point. It was full of push-ups and dips, all the things I physically cannot do with my wrist. So I stopped the dvd and put on some old Jillian Michaels thing I have that someone gave me. Doesn’t have a title or anything but it was killer. I lasted a whole 10 minutes before I just caved in and gave up.

I felt weak, I felt stupid and I felt like a big fat failure. I don’t know what happened to me, but I just completely lost the plot when my routine was all stuffed up. So I’ve made a decision in regards to doing pre-season task #7 – diarise our workouts. Of course I’m going to do this, but at the same time I’m going to list myself alternatives in case this happens again. I need to have stand-by options, this was made perfectly clear to me tonight.

The only real up-side to the evening? We had Michelle Bridges Moussaka for dinner and it was simply divine! Super delicious.

Struggling with exercise

Today’s daily food intake…

I set my alarm for 6.30am again today, knowing that Friday nights are always busy at our place because it’s food shopping night and then have to cook dinner and then I’m just knackered, so there is never any exercise happening on Fridays. So I did the right thing last night, and set the alarm so I could get up early and do my exercise first thing.

Did that happen? No. At 5.30am something woke me up (probably the damn cat again, I love Maximus, but he drives me insane), and I struggled to get back to sleep. So when the alarm went off the only thing I could think was Hell no! I rolled over, turned it off, and went back to sleep.

And I’ve been feeling guilty about it all day long. I’m just so tired lately I don’t know what’s going on with me. This week I have struggled so much with exercising, and when I have done it, it’s been half arsed and I haven’t put my all into it like I should have and the guilt is pissing me off as much as the general tiredness is. I just want to cry.

I feel okay with my food, I still need to reign in a bit on my portion sizes, but my exercise is just crap! Crap. Crap. Crap. And I don’t know how to get myself moving and motivated so that I can meet my goals. (19.6kg gone in 13 weeks – not going to happen at this rate with my crapola exercising). So tonight I think I’m going to have a really nice early one, and hopefully I will feel all refreshed ready to do some exercise tomorrow morning and then play softball in the afternoon. I hope.

Must not turn alarm off

Todays daily food intake…

Argh where are my list of excuses in the morning when I set my alarm to go off at 6.30am so that I can get up and do some exercise? And why doesn’t my brain function properly at that time so that I can say “Get up Tina, get up, don’t sleep in”? Because that’s exactly what happened this morning. All my good intentions of getting up and doing exercise this morning, as well as tonight went way out the window. I didn’t even think about it, I heard the phone go off, I reached over and with my eyes closed somehow managed to turn the freakin thing off. Then slept.

Did I make that time up tonight when I went to the pool to do my swimming? Nope. I only did a piddly 35 minutes and just couldn’t do anymore. Felt like I was going to drown tonight I don’t know what was wrong with me. But I feel so zonked.

The bright note of the day was that I got my new work shirts today. I’d ordered them a few weeks ago, and when I ordered them I got two size 18’s and in a moment of optimism I thought considering that I am doing 12WBT I’m going to order two more, but in a size 16. Well they all got in today and I’m happy to say that the size 18’s fit quite nicely, and the size 16’s, while they are snug, are going to fit beautifully in a couple (maybe a few) weeks. Which means that the original size 20’s that I have, and also my 18’s are going to be too big. Hmm might have to pull the sewing machine out for something other than quilting soon.

Eating out is not eating smart

Today’s daily food intake…

The last few days haven’t been the best for me. We went over our download limit for the month (thanks to some Skyping and Zumba downloading…) so I didn’t have any internet at home. I could plug my phone in and tether it to use some of my phone’s download limit, but it’s not the quickest, and I don’t get that much download so I had to conserve that as well.

The thing I learnt from the little experience is that a big part of being successful in eating right is the support that I get from forums, and now from Facebook. When I feel like eating something bad, or I have questions about how many calories might be in some food, I can just ask someone, and there is generally a quick response. Which really helps me.

Another thing I’ve learnt lately is that I cannot succeed if I don’t have a written menu down, and am not organised with my shopping. If I don’t have the correct food in the house, I make stupid choices.

Like on Saturday. Mick was working this weekend, and on the weekends he works, I normally bring him lunch and eat with him. I wasn’t organised this weekend and was out and about doing things, so when lunch time rolled around I thought oh hell, I need to quickly buy something to bring to Mick. My first thought was Subway. So in I went, and straight back out I went. The line was from the cash register, all the way back to the door. I didn’t have that much time to wait before his lunch break. So I stupidly went to Wendys and got a hotdog. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Did you know that in a standard Wendys hotdog there are 601 calories? That’s without adding any of the condiments. Holy shit. No wonder I put weight on, I used to eat these like they were going out of fashion.

Other bad choices over the weekend include:

  • full fat, homemade lasagna on Friday night (technically not my fault, we were out for dinner at a friends house – to be fair I only had a small slice and a lot of green salad)
  • Wendys hotdog for lunch on Saturday.
  • Sunday night dinner was going to be a roast, but we went to the beach and didn’t get home till late, so what did we do? Yep, went to the fish and chip shop – which was close – so we got a big pasta dish from the place next door instead.

Organisation and internet. These are definitely going to be the keys to my success. And maybe getting fast food places to put a ban on me entering their shops…

12WBT R1,2011 Day one and two

Yesterday was the kickoff of Round 1, 2011 of the 12 Week Body Transformation, so it was the first day of the next 12 weeks for me, concentrating on my healthy eating and exercising. I did quite well yesterday, except for a little slip up of a chocolate cupcake, which was for my birthday (which was on Sunday, yay for squeezing the day in before official kickoff). It’s the tradition at work, when it’s someone’s birthday, there is cake. I’m kind of guessing that it’s like that for a lot of workplaces, and ours is no different. But I ate well for the rest of the day and came home and did Zumba, so I felt accomplished.

Today was different though. I haven’t really done much in the way of eating, and when I did, it was all good and healthy. Of course, I was totally stressed about a job interview that I was having. But then I got home after the interview and there was food in sight. And that food went straight into my mouth.

And now I want to cry, because I totally just sabotaged myself, and I know better than to use food as an excuse or to forget things. And I want to cry because the job interview just didn’t go well, which means that in a little over 6 weeks or so, I will have to go back to a job I hate doing, and earn about $15,000 less a year and I’m totally stressing myself out about it and all I feel right now is this overwhelming sense of despair and I don’t want to continue on with the program or anything else.

How does a person go from having such a fantastic weekend and birthday with wonderful friends to just wanting to crawl into a hole and forget herself? Here’s hoping tomorrow (and weigh day) are better.

I need a tree

First off I would just like to say thank you very much to both Marshmallow, Chris and Linda for their kind words yesterday. When I woke up this morning and saw your comments you put a smile on my face and Marshy your Hugs just brought a warm feeling to me. When you think everything in your life is getting low, and you can feel yourself falling into the deep black hole that you thought you had crawled out of for good, just a simple hug can make everything a little brighter. So thank you once again.

I would like to say that things are looking up and that it’s on the mend, but they aren’t. I posted the other week about Facebook and the damage that it can do sometimes, and once again, Facebook has been the cause of my current woes. Mick had written something to my stepfather, after he had put quite insulting statements up on his status, and now my stepfather has gone and completely twisted the story around to my mother, who now believes we were being purposely nasty and insulting – which neither of us were. So now, my mum, who I’m really really close to, will have nothing to do with either Mick or I. All because of a Facebook lie.

I should probably point out that I have never had a very good relationship with my stepfather, and I had always dreaded the day that he decided to create a Facebook account. But when he did, to keep the peace with everyone I befriended him. My biggest mistake. I should have stuck to my guns and said no, I won’t befriend family on Facebook. But I did, and now I’m paying the price – a very unfair price to be sure.

I think the thing that is hurting me the most at the moment is that my mum won’t actually listen to me at all. So sure is she that we are in the wrong. It’s like she has just abandoned me all over again. As if leaving me when I was five wasn’t enough, now she’s doing it all over again, but over complete and utter stupidity.

And an even weaker part of this story? My christmas tree was being stored at my mums house, along with all the decorations. And now it is being held to ransom. All I have to do is unblock and befriend my stepfather again, make a public apology (for nothing) and make sure I never delete him again so that he can “monitor” what I say. I seriously feel as if I am in a children’s story, so stupid is this whole situation.

So wish me luck that I can find a new tree this week. I need one apparently 🙂

Wipeout of a weekend

Well the title of this post says it all really. It was a complete wipeout of a whole weekend. I still didn’t get to my sewing, didn’t even get to cutting out my bag – again.

I got a tiny little bit of writing done – 1700 words, which still leaves me 8500 words behind what I should be. I really don’t think I can catch up, not if I want to get back into the gym again, which I do.

So I had grand plans of sitting down and doing a whole lot of writing today. But first off I slept in, god I needed that, and then I got sidetracked with trying to watch a movie, and then my sister decided to pop in and stayed for a while. There went all chances of getting any of my sewing or writing done. So my grand plans of doing a whole lot of sewing and getting to 20,000 words have gone, and my whole weekend has gone to hell in a handbasket. It was great in some ways but so completely crap in that I didn’t get what I wanted done, well, done.

Now I just want to go to bed, and not think about the fact that I have to go back to work tomorrow.

12wbt day sixty five – Devastation

I was going so well with the 12wbt program, but last week was definitely a slip up.
I knew that today’s weigh in wasn’t going to be great, I expected a little weight gain, but I gained a whole kilo. I really hadn’t thought I’d done quite THAT badly, but apparently I had. So there was major disappointment to myself this morning when I looked at the scales and saw that the number had jumped right up. But there is nothing I can do about the week that has passed, so I can only look to the week ahead now and make sure that I pull my head back in, and focus again.

To that end, I really need to start keeping a track of my daily calories and food plan, which I haven’t really kept up the last couple of weeks. Also have been very disorganised in general, so need to sit down and work up a proper menu plan once again and do a big food shop. That will have to be tonight I think. Though I don’t quite know how I can fit both the gym and food shopping in arghhhhh. Perhaps I might do the food shopping, then come home and do Zumba. Seriously people I need more time in my life.

I shall advise of the outcome tonight…. Till then, happy weigh in everyone, and I hope you all do a hell of a lot better than I did. Silly Tina :/