12WBT – day three

Today was a day of mixed highs and lows for me. Overall I’m very very disappointed with myself. I’m proud of my weight loss and proud of the fact that I did the walk to our meeting with a lot more ease than I did last time. But I’m really disappointed with myself for having even half the muffin – I should have stuck to my guns and eaten my mandarine. I’m also really disappointed by the fact that I only did a half hearted workout tonight. I didn’t go for my walk at lunch, I sat down and did some reading, which, while it was lovely to do, meant that I missed out on 30 minutes of exercise. Then by the time I got home tonight, I really just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. I know this is my own fault for staying up late watching the Grey’s Anatomy finale (but OMG how good was it), but because I was so tired, I just didn’t put the same effort into exercise that I know I should have. This just disappoints me. I think though that I am learning, and I’m also being a lot more honest than I normally would have been. I would have previously, just said that I did my workout and left it at that. At least now I am being more accountable, to myself and to anyone who reads this blog, which I think is an important step for me to move forward in my weight loss. So here we are with todays (dismal) stats:

FoodCalories in
BPorridge with 2t brown sugar, 1/2 cup milk & small pear291
S1 SPC Pears in lime jelly89
LPumpkin soup227
S1/2 blueberry muffin, 1 cup green tea, 1t sugar165
DAsian chicken soup340


ExerciseCalories out
27 minutes of Biggest Loser DVD225
Calories surplus/defecit-976

I think I may just be getting fitter!

Okay so major revelation for me this morning. When I started my current job 8 weeks ago, we had to go to a meeting. Considering everyone here is younger and a LOT fitter than I am (they’re quite the sporty types), they all walk to the meeting, rather than cabbing it. Which is a good thing, considering that at my last place of employment, the cab charges were handed out like party favours – and believe me I made use of that. So when we did that walk 8 weeks ago – not a long walk, probably only about 10 minutes or so – by the end, I felt like I was dying. I was hot, sweaty, uncomfortable and just plain miserable, wondering why I had joined a team of healthy, sporty people that I was nothing like. Today however, different story. I am very proud to say, that I made that walk with ease. In fact walking quicker than half of the team members and arrived at the meeting fresh as a daisy and ready to do the walk back. I know it’s only a short walk, and a small step, but my god I was proud of myself. I can only imagine how I’m going to be in 12 weeks. I’m so excited.

Proud moment number two – I did my 12WBT weigh in this morning and since my last weigh in (on Saturday, my ritual weigh in day with Nicole) I have lost 1.2kg. I’m a little unconvinced about this – I do believe it’s fluid loss and possibly not all fat, but hey, I’m going to take that loss, and look forward to my next official weigh in on Wednesday 30 June. Unfortunately this means that I’m not going to be able to do my weigh in days with Nicole anymore, as I refuse to start obsessing quite that much over my weight that I weigh twice a week. So my little weight chart on the sidebar here, is now going to have a couple of close dates, but by next week it will be all right again.

Negative moment of the day – Having done so well yesterday of avoiding the temptation of fresh scones, with jam and cream, which our team members bought in, I did cave today, when another team member bought in muffins for some celebration. I do believe I have used up all my snack allowances on that half a muffin I ate. However, I have to say, it really was quite lovely and I savoured every single bite of it. I will make sure though, that next time, I stick an apple in my mouth so that I can’t be tempted to do the muffin thing again. Really quite scared to look at the calorie count of that ½ muffin too. Oh dear.

Holiday habits I need to kick

Last weekend was a long weekend for us in Adelaide, and for us that means we tend to go away. In fact over long weekends we tend to take the 6 1/2 hour drive and head over to Port Lincoln. It is the most beautiful spot in Australia, and I would move there in a second. But I digress. When we go to Port Lincoln, we stay with some friends of Micks, and often it involves a fair bit of eating, and even more drinking, of which I am always happy to partake.

So this long weekend was no different. We packed up the car early on Saturday, headed over to Nic’s place and I did weigh in (YAY me, I lost 1/2kg – could have been more, but I did no, [absolutely none] exercise over the week, so I’m taking my 500gm and running) and then we were off.

First mistake? I broke the cardinal rule – I didn’t have breakfast before we left. So when Mick suggested we get McDonalds for breakfast, did I complain? Well no, because by that time I was starving and would have eaten a horse if he’d put it in front of me. So I’m sitting there in the car, munching on my Bacon and Egg McMuffin and hash brown (and god was it good), drinking down my Iced Coffee and thinking to myself. Okay bad start – but I can come back from this. Did I? No.

Lunch time was a Whopper from Hungry Jacks. Dinner (we had reached our destination by then) was a super delicious full fat Spaghetti Bolognaise. And let me just say that topping the night off with one and a bit bottles of red wine, certainly didn’t help. In my defence, I did stop at 2 glasses and then somehow the glass kept getting refilled and certainly not by me. I put all this down to being in Lincoln, it was the first night and tomorrow and the rest of the weekend would be better.

It didn’t. What followed was a super high calorie weekend. No more alcohol, good thing, but, such bad food. And even knowing how bad all of the bacon and eggs and chips and roast pork were for me, I just couldn’t seem to stop the food going from my fingers to my mouth. I dread getting back on the scales now, because I have this horrible fear that I have undone all the good that I have done over the past few weeks.

So the lesson I have learned is:

  • Prepare some healthy snacks the night before we go on a road trip – celery sticks, carrot sticks, a few nuts etc – so that I’m not tempted to reach for the lollies.
  • Make sure that I eat breakfast before we go on our road trip next time. Don’t be conned into going down the McDonalds route.
  • Eat a healthy lunch. There are always other options other than Hungry Jacks. (Which by the way, I have made a personal pact with Mick, that I won’t touch any junk food, especially Hungry Jacks for the next 6 months).
  • When we get to our destination, do a bit of a food shop to help out with us staying, and buy healthy food and fruit and veggies. Explain to our hosts that I am eating healthy and changing my lifestyle to be healthier.
  • Limit my portions when dinner is served up. Eat more of the vegetables, and less of the meat and bad stuff.

So overall, this was not a good weekend, but on the plus side, I have learned some very valuable lessons that I can put into practice next time we go away – in July *sigh*

My commitment

Task 5 of the 12WBT challenge is to publicly declare our commitment to the program. To publicly declare our intention to adhere to the goals we have set. Did I mention publicly? This is a big thing for me, because I have always kept dieting and exercise pretty close to my chest, and not made a big deal about it. I think it was my safety net, because then if (no, not if – when) I failed I wouldn’t have to face the sad looks, the pitying looks, the accusing looks and words of everyone. And this time has been no different. I feel comfortable writing my commitment in the forums, I feel comfortable writing it here, my blog is still a pretty anonymous outlet for me, but to put it up somewhere like Facebook, well that’s a whole different issue for me. But one of my commitments is to put it onto Facebook – which I’m still working up to I admit. So to everyone out there, I give to you – My Commitment:

I make a commitment to myself, Michelle Bridges, my wonderful partner, family, friends and everyone involved in 12WBT that:

  • I WILL lose 10kg over the 12WBT challenge
  • I WILL follow Michelle’s plans – she knows her stuff or else why would I be here?
  • I WILL get fitter and exercise at least 5 times a week (hey I’m realistic, I want to say 6, but I’m exercising maybe 1 or 2 times a week at the moment, so 5 is a big leap for me)
  • I WILL NOT get halfway through the challenge and lose focus and “get bored” and quit
  • I WILL stay happy, positive and motivated
  • I WILL talk to my friends and support group if I feel I am losing it
  • I WILL bite the bullet and put this up on Facebook, even though I have kept the 12WBT challenge quiet on there.

I make this commitment to everyone and will put my 120% in to get me to my goals. I (virtually) shake on this.

Task #3 – My Goals for the next 12 months

I’ve been a bit slack in keeping this blog updated, what with the forums, the twitter conversations and actually trying to fit exercise in around all that, I’m finding that I need an extra few hours in every single day. It’s not a good thing. Anyway, I put up my goals for the next 12 months – both for weight and fitness – and how I’m going to achieve those goals. The version I am posting here is slightly edited from the original I posted, but that is due to Task #4, which has since been released (and which I have not yet sat down to do). So without further ado, my goals for the next 12 months.

1 Month Goals

One month goal – End date 20 June 2010
Weight: To have lost 3.9kg and gotten myself down to an even 110kg.
Fitness: To be exercising a minimum of 4 times per week. 3 times in joint sessions with Nicole and at least one session alone. Each session to be a minimum of 30mins.

How I Will Get There
Weight: By cleaning out my pantry and throwing out the bad food. Following recipes in my Biggest Loser cookbook and keeping a food diary so that I can monitor the food I am eating.
Fitness: By organising my day and sticking to my schedule. Making sure that I go to bed at an early hour so that I have energy the next day so that I don’t use the no energy excuse.

3 Month Goals

Weight: To have lost 10kg more (a total weight loss of 13.9kg) and gotten to 100kg even.
Fitness: To be exercising a minimum of 5 6 (apparently they are the rules, according to Michelle Bridges 12WBT program) times per week. 3 times still in joint sessions with Nicole. Exercise sessions will be a minimum of 45mins, heading up to 1 hour sessions.

How I Will Get There
Weight: By following the 12WBT program and sticking to my healthy eating that I set up in the first month.
Fitness: By following the schedule that I set up in the first month, and modifying it to accommodate the extra time spent exercising. By this time I will have increased energy from the exercise I have been doing, so there will be no using the excuse of I have no energy or motivation.

Reward: At the end of the 3 months, when I HAVE lost 10kg I will book myself into a day spa for the first time ever.

6 Month Goals

Weight: To have lost a further 10kg, bringing me down to a weight of 90kg.
Fitness: To be exercising a minimum of 6 times per week for at least 1 hour per session. I will still continue to exercise with Nicole 3 times per week.

How I Will Get There
Weight: By following the guidelines I have learnt in the 12WBT and continuing on with my healthy eating and diary keeping.
Fitness: By following my now successful scheduling of my life, ensuring that I don’t skip sessions and fall into bad habits.

Reward: A weekend away with my wonderful partner who has supported me this whole time. (However, it being Christmas time, this might have to be put off until the new year).

12 Month Goals

Weight: To have lost a total of 44kg (this equates to 3.6kg per month over 12 months) and be at my goal weight of 70kg.
Fitness: To be continuing on in my exercise plan of 6 times per week for 1 hour sessions.

How I Will Get There

Weight: By following the previous 6 months of healthy eating, with all the good plans I have put in place. At this point, I will re-evaluate my goal weight, and determine if I should be losing an extra 5kg, going down to 65kg.
Fitness: By following the previous 6 months of exercising, and knowing I can do it, not backing out of it and slipping into bad practices.

Reward: Buying a gorgeously sexy black dress and going out for a special (healthy) dinner and proposing to my partner. Or maybe a holiday overseas, with the black dress packed 🙂

I want to extend my goal planning for a further 12 months:

24 Month Goals

Weight: To have maintained my goal weight, within 3kg for the last 12 months.
Fitness: Exercising 6 times a week for an hour each session.

How I Will Get There
Weight: By continuing to keep a food diary and monitor the food I eat.
Fitness: By following the exercise schedule I put in place 18months ago.

So, what do you think of my goals. And what are your goals going to be?

This is who I am

As I said in my first post I have always been fat. I could say I have always been overweight, but the truth is, I have always been fat. I find fat such an ugly word, but it’s the truth of the matter. As far back as I can remember I have always had issues with my weight. I come from a Scandinavian family and have grown up eating lots of potatoes, lots of pork and beef and lots and lots of gravy. Oh let me not forget the fresh bread rolls on weekends, and the lashings of Danish butter that was put onto those rolls. Oh yes, breakfast, lunch and dinner at our house were always a treat.

Now all that food wouldn’t have been quite so bad as it was, had I exercised. But I didn’t. I come from a pretty religious family (I’m not really religious anymore, being forced to go to church as a child put me off for life) – to the point where competition sports were banned or at the very least heavily frowned upon. So there was little to no exercise happening for me to burn off all those calories. Now I realise that this all sounds like a lot of excuses, but if it’s in the past does it still count as excuses? Or has it now become a reality?

So as I got older I gradually let the weight creep on. It was always in the back of my mind, every time I had to buy a new pair of pants, because the last pair I bought didn’t fit anymore. But always it was the same thing, I’ll start a diet on Monday. So I did. Always started a half arsed diet on Monday, which was more like a starvation diet. So by Monday afternoon I’d have completely given in to the lure of food again and be pigging out on chips and crap. And the attitude I was taking was “well I’ve stuffed up this week, I’ll start again next week”, and the next week was exactly the same as the one before it. At no point did I actually stop and consider what I was doing to myself, or that maybe I should get a little more active and do some exercise. Nope, it was magically going to fall off me, this extra weight.

About 3 years ago now, I finally decided to turn a new leaf and do it properly. So I joined a gym for the first time in my life, which was quite possibly the scariest moment of my life. I joined a Fernwood, I wasn’t ready to face a gym with a lot of men watching the fat bounce around while I exercised. I got myself a personal trainer and joined their eating program. I had real success and lost nearly 10kg. I was so proud of myself, the hard work was worth it. You’d think that would have kept me motivated, and that I would have kept going and lost more. But no, I slowly started drifting back into my old ways – partying, partying and a little more partying. What I didn’t know at the time, but possibly should have realised, was that I wasn’t dealing with some pretty big issues in my life. Issues that go back to childhood. I needed to fix my head, before I could fix the rest of me.

Then came 18 months ago. Leaving home in the morning I tripped over some loose concrete and broke my wrist. Pretty badly smashed it up, plates and pins holding it together. Here came more bad eating, and absolutely no exercise, and a lot of weight gain. I have the greatest partner in the world, who stood by me through all of this, never once mentioning the fact that I was getting unhealthier and unhealthier. Breaking my wrist really is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but in some ways, it was also the best. It brought me to the lowest point I have ever been in my life, to the point where I had to get professional help. But I did, and it’s helped. Very slowly. I still have issues with my wrist – it doesn’t move properly anymore, and I have very little strength in it, but I now realise that there are other things I can do to exercise that doesn’t include using my wrist. My main thing to get over now is the fear that I have, deep down, that I’m going to do something to break it again. (Apparently I might still need a little more professional help).

So now I have joined Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program. Already I am noticing differences in my attitude. Yes I have a long way to go, and yes I know that this isn’t going to be an easy time, and I’m going to have to work hard – really hard – but I’m here for the long haul. And I’m going to share every single painful moment with you all.

I really am my own worst enemy

So the second task that we have to do for the 12 week challenge is to sit down and really think about the excuses we make to not exercise, to not eat right. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I thought physio was hard, but this, no this was harder. I have really stuck with the exercising excuses. I am going to do my list of excuses about eating too, but I think that could be an even longer list. The thing that I have realised though is that I don’t let others influence me in the bad things so much as I influence myself. I AM THE ONE TO BLAME. There is no one else I can blame. I have to take (and now do take) responsibility for my own actions. My family and friends love me, and want the best for me. So when I tell them that I WANT to shove that hamburger into my mouth, they let me, because I keep telling them, and myself that it’s what I want. So with no further ado here is my list:

Internal excuses

1. I’m not motivated enough
2. I’m scared of failing
3. I don’t want Mick to laugh at me
4. I’m lazy
4. I don’t have the energy
6. I’m really really scared of falling and breaking another bone, or hurting my wrist again
7. I just don’t want to
8. I’ve already stuffed up today, what’s the point of continuing

1. I’m never motivated to do anything, except sit on the couch and mooch. But things still get done, because they have to. Exercise is just another of these things – it HAS to be done, so MAKE the time to do it. Every day. And stop whining.

2. By not even trying, I can’t fail, but neither can I succeed. I want to succeed more than I want to fail, I hate failure. So at the very least, TRY to do exercise, even a half an hour a day is better than nothing at all.

3. Mick loves me and wants the best for me. He has never laughed at me, and he won’t do that knowing how important this is. And if he does – so what – I can just put laxatives in his dinner and laugh at him running to the toilet all night (okay maybe I wouldn’t do that). Remember that Mick has been there through the really bad times, never cracking jokes – it’s not his style.

4. Yes you are lazy and it is time that you changed this habit. Think of all the things you miss out on and because you can’t be arsed getting off the couch. Do you really want to look back in 20 years and regret the life you have lived – or rather – half lived? Just think with the exercise you will have more energy and won’t be so lazy.

5. You don’t have energy because you aren’t currently exercising and are carrying around an extra 40 kilos (you can’t even lift 40 kilos for godsake). Imagine how much more energy you will have with regular exercise. Now get out there and go go go.

6. ? I don’t know how to get over the fear of breaking my bones again.

7. What do you mean you don’t want to? Do you want to be fat and unfit forever? Decide what it is you really want (and you know what that is) and get up off your butt and do some exercise.

8. Okay, so you’ve made it through the day, and you haven’t exercised. You’ve gone back on your ways, and used one of your many (so many I never knew I had that many) excuses. If the day isn’t over, then stop thinking of ways to NOT exercise, and put that time to good use and do some exercise. If you’ve managed to avoid your exercise to the point of bed time, then you get your arse up a half hour earlier tomorrow and GO GO GO. This goes for your food intake too. If you’ve stuffed up, then you start straight away again and don’t continue on in your bad ways for the rest of the day.

External excuses I can do something about
1. It’s raining outside/too cold outside/the weather in general outside sucks
2. I’m too tired
3. My leg, ankle, knee *insert body part here* hurts
4. Nicole isn’t exercising tonight, so I have no one to exercise with
5. I have to cook dinner for Mick

1. Okay, so the weather outside sucks? I bet inside it’s wonderful. So I can turn on that dvd player and exercise my heart out. Or I can put on the WII and exercise on that to my hearts content. Make a use of all those dvds and games that you have spent good money on.

2. Go to bed earlier instead of staying up late watching t.v. You know you will only complain the next day anyway when you stay up late, so go to bed early, get a good night’s rest and get out there tomorrow and go go go.

3. Barring another broken bone there is nothing to stop me from exercising. If I have injured myself, then I need to adjust my exercise to accommodate my injury. But just because my knees because I’m exercising is not a reason to stop – it’s a reason to go on. Because losing my excess weight will only help it.

4. Just because Nic can’t make it, doesn’t mean you can’t exercise by yourself. You don’t need Nic to hold your hand for exercise, you can do it all by yourself. Remember that your situation and Nic’s are different, you don’t have two small babies to run around after, you only have yourself to run around after. So RUN.

5. Mick can cook too! It won’t hurt him to cook every now and then so you can exercise. He might actually enjoy being let into the kitchen. If he doesn’t want to cook, then cook extra on the weekend and freeze it, for quick meals to prepare – AFTER YOU FINISH EXERCISING.

External excuses out of my control
1. I have to work late
2. I’m sick

1. If you have to work late, then make sure you have an early night so that you can get up a bit earlier the next day and do exercise. Most importantly of all, don’t use this as an excuse that doesn’t have a solution.

2. Okay if you’re sick, you genuinely can’t overdo it without making yourself sicker. So look after yourself, make sure you take your vitamins and eat good healthy food until you are well again. And then get back into it.

The pain of being fat

You know one of the realisations I have come to in regards to being overweight? It’s not so much that your joints hurt a lot, or that it hurts to breathe when you are exercising, because let’s face it, you are the most unfit person in the world – no it’s not any of that. It’s the pain of sitting at work in your chair, and making a tiny move on said chair, and the whole bloody thing squeaks to high heaven. And the lovely skinny girl that sits next to you (who I’m sure can eat a whole block of chocolate without putting on an ounce) could probably jump up on her chair and do a belly dance (if she had a belly that is) and the chair wouldn’t make a sound. Yes my friends, THAT is pain. The emotional pain of being overweight, I’m sure for me, outweighs the actual physical pain that accompanies holding those extra kilos close to my heart.

I long to be that skinny girl. The girl who can jump up on the chair and do a belly dance, who can get through a whole day at work, without being so damn tired she looks like she is about to collapse, the girl who can wear the nice pants and shirt and look the part. So why do I sabotage myself all the time, and how do I stop myself? Hmm questions to ponder.