stuck in a world where nothing makes sense…..

Yesterday a very dear friend told me that she was pregnant. Momentous news that usually brings happiness and goodwill to people, and congratulations all around and the exciting prospect of that new baby smell and warmth and general feelings of gladness and goodness. I’m no exception. I felt all those things when she told me on the phone that she was pregnant. I squealed with excitement, which brought strange looks from the people in the office, and then I started crying, for her, and then, for me. What I’m about to say may make everyone hate me and call me a horrible evil selfish bitch (which I quite likely could be), but right now I don’t really care, this is my blog and my emotions which I own and no one else does.

I am happy for her, I really am. I know that this is something that they have wanted, though admittedly it was more planned for the future. But I’m so sad for me. At a time when I feel like my life is falling apart and everything I have always wanted just seems to slip away from me and be just out of my reach, I’m finding it really hard to be sitting with her, saying congratulations I’m so happy for you, while thinking - Why not me? Why couldn’t it have been me? Dont’ get me wrong, I’m happy that I’m not pregnant right now, because let’s be honest, being pregnant right now would have just brought up even more complications with Mr Driller that I couldn’t cope with right now, but having a family was always something that I really wanted, and it just feels like it will never happen. I’m getting older, I’m not getting any wiser and my relationships are just as fucked up as they have always been. (While I’m being completely honest, I’d probably make a really screwed up mother anyway, so I’m probably doing any unborn children of mine a favour by keeping them unborn *sigh*).

So how do I cope with my feelings of jealousy and never let her know how I feel? How do I continue being friends with her, when I know that soon most conversations are going to centre around babies and how she is feeling about being pregnant and her plans for her future and her babies future, while I feel like I’m being ripped apart inside. How do I keep my fake fake smile plastered on my face for the next 8 months? How do I plan her baby shower, which I stupidly opened my mouth up and said I would do? Even though a huge part of me wants nothing to do with it, and the other part of me would never ever let anyone else dare plan it without my approval!!! (Okay that’s obsessive planner in me coming out). Is this going to get easier? Will there come a point soon (please god let it come soon), where I can honestly say, I’M SO BLOODYHAPPY FOR YOU!!!!! And mean that 100% instead of only 80%, and feel no jealousy for myself? Will I ever stop being such a horrible horrible person?

I always think it’s nice to give nice names to people and let my new doc not be the exception. Welcome to Dr Shrinky, who will probably be making regular appearances on this blog from now on in.
So tonight was my first visit to Dr Shrinky so it was really just a meet and greet I suppose you could say. But within two minutes of meeting him Mr Driller had come up in the conversation and within 5 minutes I was crying. And in Dr Shrinky’s professional opinion? I am “messed up”. Good to know Dr Shrinky. I think I had that part figured out, hence the fact that I’m coming to see you.
But I shouldn’t sound so nasty. He seemed like a nice man, he was easy to talk to and he hit the nail on the head with a couple of comments he made.
I have never done the whole psych thing, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I always thought it was weak people who went to see these doctors, or people who were just “SAD” and not in the I want to cry kind of sad. I have to say sorry about that now, I take back everything I have ever said. It’s actually a lot harder than I thought it would be to sit down and tell a stranger things about yourself and your family. Much easier to blog it all lol. So that’s just a really really general overview, I have to go back to see Dr Shrinky in 2 weeks, and I’m sure that I will need to vent more after that too. I really feel like I need to vent more now, I’m just finding it very hard to put my thoughts into some form of order, and get those thoughts from mind to fingers to blog…… So maybe I will post more tomorrow when I feel I can make more sense.

So what’s the definition of ironic?
Watching the gardeners at work plant drought tolerant plants while it’s pissing down with rain.
LOL it was just too funny for words.

Okay one more thing, which I forgot. I’m setting up my blog for when I go to Denmark (officially there is only 5 weeks and 5 days until I leave woohoooo), and I’m trying to think of a name. Anyone have any ideas??? I need inspiration and I have none! So comment away and let me know.

Okay again with the not posting for a while. I’m sorry, sometimes life just gets on top of me, or gets me down and I just lose all inspiration for anything and anyone.
Mr Driller and I ended things about a month ago once and for all this time. Things were said that there really wasn’t any coming back from this time. I’ve also been picking up some freelance web design work, so life had been busy busy busy. Good timing really, because it left me no time to think about the fact that I had lost Mr Driller. But the web design work is finished now and I once again have a bit of time on my hands, and time to dwell. Not a good thing.
To make matters worse I saw Mr Driller last week, I was inside the shops, he was outside the shops and there was no talking, but all I wanted to do was run up to him and kiss him. I didn’t though. But it brought him back into the front of my mind, and with nothing else to occupy me, I started thinking and obsessing about him again, and making myself well and truly depressed. And depression is something that I always struggle with, so you know - not the best frame of mind. Again.
Then on the weekend I hear from a good friend Mr. Girlfriend (cos really, he is just like one of the girls and a dear friend now) that Mr Girlfriend’s ex wife was confronted by a younger bigger guy telling her that her ex husband and myself were shagging. When he told me this, the only person I could think of saying that was Mr Driller. To be honest, it didn’t bother me too much, I don’t really care what people down the pub say about me, hell just makes me more famous and helps my plans for world domination (*insert evil laugh here*), but Mr Girlfriend has just started a relationship with someone who isn’t really keen on the fact that we are good friends and that he’s really good friends with two other females, so that’s just going to stir up trouble for him. So he wanted me to find out if it was Mr Driller who was saying shit like that. Therein started phone calls to and from Mr Driller and myself. And phone calls from him telling me how hurt he was thinking that he would do something like that to me, because he didn’t do it, is in another state completely, so really really wasn’t him…. Which made me feel shit for hurting him, but then made me angry, because where was all that compassion from him when he hurt me over and over and over again over the last 11 fucking months of my life. But really it’s just made me miss him even more.
So really, there isn’t much to my life lately been working hard, and been breaking up and pining.
On other news though, tomorrow I’m going to see a shrink. That should be interesting and definitely worth a post. Hmmmmm…….