Body Image – Currently Clueless

Adieu 12wbt, it was fun while it lasted

Posted on September 20, 2010Leave a comment

So long since I’ve posted and so much has been going on.

The most significant thing that has happened is that Round 2 of 12WBT has officially ended. My goal going into the 12wbt was to lose 10kg and get down to 100kg even. Well I am very proud to say that I did it!!! And beat my goal by a whole 200gm. Officially over the course of the program I lost 10.7kg which equates to 9.7% of my body weight, which is a fair effort. I suppose in the back of my mind I know that I could have done better, had I been more diligent with my exercise, but for me, just sticking to the 12 weeks was a feat in itself. So I am very proud of what I have accomplished. I dropped down to a size 16 in most clothes and have organised to get rid of all my old big clothes.

The thing that really inspired me to join up the 12wbt in the first place was for a wedding that we had to attend. A wedding where my partner was best man, and where I would meet a lot of his friends for the first time. Mick used to live in a small town, about 6 1/2 hours from Adelaide, where we are now, and as you can imagine, everyone knows everyone there. Including Mick’s ex-wife. So for me, this wedding was more than just a wedding, it was an occasion where I would be meeting a lot of Mick’s good friends for the first time, friends who know his ex, and yes, I wanted to make the best impression of myself that I could (and I think I did that. I’m quite happy with how I looked at the wedding, and that in itself is a big deal for me). I felt that at the size I was, it just wasn’t going to happen, so this bit of vanity is what spurred me on in the first place. Vanity is a bad thing, but in this instance, it got me going and gave me the best version of myself that I could be at the wedding. And you know what, it was a great wedding. Even better, I now know that even if I had gone to the wedding at the size I had been, it still would have been great, and everyone would have accepted me just the way I was and been as lovely as they were. I still don’t regret doing 12wbt though.

I caught the bouquet! — I caught the bouquet and don't think I don't mention it to Mick every chance I get.

So now that Round 2 has ended, I’m going to be unofficially doing Round 3. Because I joined up at the gym, I can’t really afford to do another round, so I have decided to put to good use all the information I got through Round 2 and also through the Michelle Bridges CrunchTime book. I was supposed to start today, but at the moment I’m fighting a chest infection and bronchitis, so I’m giving myself a bit of a break for a week and will officially start next Monday. This doesn’t mean that I intend to eat crap, just that I’m not going to stress myself out about it. Weigh days will still be on a Wednesday and I will still put diet info up on here. But now it’s time to start expanding the blog a little.

So, in other news. I am very soon to become an auntie again. My little sister is about to have her first baby, and as I mentioned earlier I have been making her a quilt for the baby. Because I’ve been off work all week sick, I’ve actually had a chance to work on the quilt and it is nearing completion. So tomorrow I will get my photos off the digital camera and put up a little bit of a blog about the quilt. Till then, adieu to you and you and you and also adieu to 12wbt round 2 and let round 3 begin!

12WBT day seventy one – Hanging in there

Posted on August 31, 2010Leave a comment

WOW I can’t believe it’s been a week since I last posted. I keep meaning to post, but this week has been so busy and by the time I sit down to the computer I’m just knackered and the last thing I think about doing is sitting down and writing. To be honest, tonight is a bit like that, but I’m here, and I’m writing.

The last week has been really good. I’ve been eating really well (again, you have to trust me, due to lack of daily stats) and I’ve been exercising too. Still not doing 5 days (let alone 6 days) a week, but I’m getting there. But overall it’s been a really good week.

Last week I happened to wander into town, on a mission to buy myself a new pair of work pants because all of mine are now too big for me (great feeling indeed). I happened to go into a store that sometimes has sales, hoping that I’d find my pants there. Well I didn’t. But I did find a massive everything is $10 sale. Normally I am not a huge fan of shopping because I find it so hard to find clothes to fit me, but I was daring. I grabbed a few pairs of jeans and slacks in size 18 and well, they were too big. So I ended up getting 16s and they FIT!! I grabbed a couple pairs of jeans in 16, a couple really nice cardies, a couple tops and then to top it off even further, I grabbed a couple pair of size 14 jeans (they were only $10 after all) with the intention of fitting them by Xmas. Well one of the pairs actually goes all the way up and are just a smidge off actually doing up. I can’t remember the last time I had size 14 jeans, and it’s such a pleasure having these now, KNOWING that they are going to fit me by Xmas this year.

So then I went to the hairdressers. We have a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks and I desperately needed a haircut. So I got it cut and coloured. Now it looks lovely. And all this I have noticed has brought about a real change in me. I realise now that since I broke my wrist and gained weight that I had really let myself go. I lost my care factor of what I looked like, whether I had makeup on or not. I never used to be like that. I used to always wear makeup whenever I went out. I used to dress up – to care what I looked like even though I was overweight, and I had lost that. But I’m happy to say that the old Tina is now coming back. Maybe not to the obsessed state of wearing makeup everywhere, but I’m certainly getting up a little earlier and doing my hair and putting a bit of makeup on before work in the mornings and also taking a bit more pride in my appearance – it helps that I can now fit smaller clothes and can now fit into some of my older clothes. It’s great. And it’s being noticed at work too. A few people have commented that I look nice, and my boss keeps telling me that she can really notice my weight loss now. It’s really a nice feeling 🙂

Distorted visions of myself

Posted on June 20, 2010Leave a comment

Well pre-season task #8 is done and dusted. I have weighed myself, measured myself and taken the dreaded photos of myself in my underwear. The two things I found the hardest out of all that was to actually ask my partner to take the photos of me, which I had to ask I just couldn’t put the camera anywhere to get a full photo of myself; and secondly to actually then look at the photos once they had been taken.

I swear to god, I didn’t realise that was how I looked. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone who is fat, yes that is true. But I didn’t see all those rolls of fat, or the weird belly thing that I have going on. It was awful and confronting and the most horrible thing I have ever seen. But you know what, out of all bad things, something good has to come right. And the good thing that will come out of this, is that these photos have given me a huge motivation to kick this weight off of me once and for all, so that I can take some great after photos.

And yes, I will be putting the disgusting photos up online, if only to make sure that they are here, in my face, all the time, to remind me why I am doing the 12WBT.

This is who I am

Posted on June 2, 20103 Comments

As I said in my first post I have always been fat. I could say I have always been overweight, but the truth is, I have always been fat. I find fat such an ugly word, but it’s the truth of the matter. As far back as I can remember I have always had issues with my weight. I come from a Scandinavian family and have grown up eating lots of potatoes, lots of pork and beef and lots and lots of gravy. Oh let me not forget the fresh bread rolls on weekends, and the lashings of Danish butter that was put onto those rolls. Oh yes, breakfast, lunch and dinner at our house were always a treat.

Now all that food wouldn’t have been quite so bad as it was, had I exercised. But I didn’t. I come from a pretty religious family (I’m not really religious anymore, being forced to go to church as a child put me off for life) – to the point where competition sports were banned or at the very least heavily frowned upon. So there was little to no exercise happening for me to burn off all those calories. Now I realise that this all sounds like a lot of excuses, but if it’s in the past does it still count as excuses? Or has it now become a reality?

So as I got older I gradually let the weight creep on. It was always in the back of my mind, every time I had to buy a new pair of pants, because the last pair I bought didn’t fit anymore. But always it was the same thing, I’ll start a diet on Monday. So I did. Always started a half arsed diet on Monday, which was more like a starvation diet. So by Monday afternoon I’d have completely given in to the lure of food again and be pigging out on chips and crap. And the attitude I was taking was “well I’ve stuffed up this week, I’ll start again next week”, and the next week was exactly the same as the one before it. At no point did I actually stop and consider what I was doing to myself, or that maybe I should get a little more active and do some exercise. Nope, it was magically going to fall off me, this extra weight.

About 3 years ago now, I finally decided to turn a new leaf and do it properly. So I joined a gym for the first time in my life, which was quite possibly the scariest moment of my life. I joined a Fernwood, I wasn’t ready to face a gym with a lot of men watching the fat bounce around while I exercised. I got myself a personal trainer and joined their eating program. I had real success and lost nearly 10kg. I was so proud of myself, the hard work was worth it. You’d think that would have kept me motivated, and that I would have kept going and lost more. But no, I slowly started drifting back into my old ways – partying, partying and a little more partying. What I didn’t know at the time, but possibly should have realised, was that I wasn’t dealing with some pretty big issues in my life. Issues that go back to childhood. I needed to fix my head, before I could fix the rest of me.

Then came 18 months ago. Leaving home in the morning I tripped over some loose concrete and broke my wrist. Pretty badly smashed it up, plates and pins holding it together. Here came more bad eating, and absolutely no exercise, and a lot of weight gain. I have the greatest partner in the world, who stood by me through all of this, never once mentioning the fact that I was getting unhealthier and unhealthier. Breaking my wrist really is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but in some ways, it was also the best. It brought me to the lowest point I have ever been in my life, to the point where I had to get professional help. But I did, and it’s helped. Very slowly. I still have issues with my wrist – it doesn’t move properly anymore, and I have very little strength in it, but I now realise that there are other things I can do to exercise that doesn’t include using my wrist. My main thing to get over now is the fear that I have, deep down, that I’m going to do something to break it again. (Apparently I might still need a little more professional help).

So now I have joined Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program. Already I am noticing differences in my attitude. Yes I have a long way to go, and yes I know that this isn’t going to be an easy time, and I’m going to have to work hard – really hard – but I’m here for the long haul. And I’m going to share every single painful moment with you all.

I really am my own worst enemy

Posted on May 27, 20101 Comment

So the second task that we have to do for the 12 week challenge is to sit down and really think about the excuses we make to not exercise, to not eat right. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I thought physio was hard, but this, no this was harder. I have really stuck with the exercising excuses. I am going to do my list of excuses about eating too, but I think that could be an even longer list. The thing that I have realised though is that I don’t let others influence me in the bad things so much as I influence myself. I AM THE ONE TO BLAME. There is no one else I can blame. I have to take (and now do take) responsibility for my own actions. My family and friends love me, and want the best for me. So when I tell them that I WANT to shove that hamburger into my mouth, they let me, because I keep telling them, and myself that it’s what I want. So with no further ado here is my list:

Internal excuses
1. I’m not motivated enough
2. I’m scared of failing
3. I don’t want Mick to laugh at me
4. I’m lazy
4. I don’t have the energy
6. I’m really really scared of falling and breaking another bone, or hurting my wrist again
7. I just don’t want to
8. I’ve already stuffed up today, what’s the point of continuing

Solutions
1. I’m never motivated to do anything, except sit on the couch and mooch. But things still get done, because they have to. Exercise is just another of these things – it HAS to be done, so MAKE the time to do it. Every day. And stop whining.

2. By not even trying, I can’t fail, but neither can I succeed. I want to succeed more than I want to fail, I hate failure. So at the very least, TRY to do exercise, even a half an hour a day is better than nothing at all.

3. Mick loves me and wants the best for me. He has never laughed at me, and he won’t do that knowing how important this is. And if he does – so what – I can just put laxatives in his dinner and laugh at him running to the toilet all night (okay maybe I wouldn’t do that). Remember that Mick has been there through the really bad times, never cracking jokes – it’s not his style.

4. Yes you are lazy and it is time that you changed this habit. Think of all the things you miss out on and because you can’t be arsed getting off the couch. Do you really want to look back in 20 years and regret the life you have lived – or rather – half lived? Just think with the exercise you will have more energy and won’t be so lazy.

5. You don’t have energy because you aren’t currently exercising and are carrying around an extra 40 kilos (you can’t even lift 40 kilos for godsake). Imagine how much more energy you will have with regular exercise. Now get out there and go go go.

6. ? I don’t know how to get over the fear of breaking my bones again.

7. What do you mean you don’t want to? Do you want to be fat and unfit forever? Decide what it is you really want (and you know what that is) and get up off your butt and do some exercise.

8. Okay, so you’ve made it through the day, and you haven’t exercised. You’ve gone back on your ways, and used one of your many (so many I never knew I had that many) excuses. If the day isn’t over, then stop thinking of ways to NOT exercise, and put that time to good use and do some exercise. If you’ve managed to avoid your exercise to the point of bed time, then you get your arse up a half hour earlier tomorrow and GO GO GO. This goes for your food intake too. If you’ve stuffed up, then you start straight away again and don’t continue on in your bad ways for the rest of the day.

External excuses I can do something about
1. It’s raining outside/too cold outside/the weather in general outside sucks
2. I’m too tired
3. My leg, ankle, knee *insert body part here* hurts
4. Nicole isn’t exercising tonight, so I have no one to exercise with
5. I have to cook dinner for Mick

Solutions
1. Okay, so the weather outside sucks? I bet inside it’s wonderful. So I can turn on that dvd player and exercise my heart out. Or I can put on the WII and exercise on that to my hearts content. Make a use of all those dvds and games that you have spent good money on.

2. Go to bed earlier instead of staying up late watching t.v. You know you will only complain the next day anyway when you stay up late, so go to bed early, get a good night’s rest and get out there tomorrow and go go go.

3. Barring another broken bone there is nothing to stop me from exercising. If I have injured myself, then I need to adjust my exercise to accommodate my injury. But just because my knees because I’m exercising is not a reason to stop – it’s a reason to go on. Because losing my excess weight will only help it.

4. Just because Nic can’t make it, doesn’t mean you can’t exercise by yourself. You don’t need Nic to hold your hand for exercise, you can do it all by yourself. Remember that your situation and Nic’s are different, you don’t have two small babies to run around after, you only have yourself to run around after. So RUN.

5. Mick can cook too! It won’t hurt him to cook every now and then so you can exercise. He might actually enjoy being let into the kitchen. If he doesn’t want to cook, then cook extra on the weekend and freeze it, for quick meals to prepare – AFTER YOU FINISH EXERCISING.

External excuses out of my control
1. I have to work late
2. I’m sick

Solutions
1. If you have to work late, then make sure you have an early night so that you can get up a bit earlier the next day and do exercise. Most importantly of all, don’t use this as an excuse that doesn’t have a solution.

2. Okay if you’re sick, you genuinely can’t overdo it without making yourself sicker. So look after yourself, make sure you take your vitamins and eat good healthy food until you are well again. And then get back into it.