Yoga and the fat girl

So two new things have happened to me lately.

  1. I have started using the word FAT. *ugh* *shiver* I hate that word, but hey, let’s be honest, I am fat, it’s a truth I can’t deny, in fact people have called me names of so many variations of the word for almost my entire life, that I thought “hell, if I can’t beat them, I may as well join them”. I really hate the word though, so in some respects it’s a bit of a motivator for me to lose weight. So that I can stop calling myself fat. FAT FAT FAT. See I’m saying it all the time. Tina is a fat girl! It’s almost cathartic. (Almost, I won’t pretend that I like it).
  2. I tried yoga! Who knew I would ever do something as insane as that. I’m very lucky that in the town I live in we have a system set up where there are two free yoga classes offered every week (though the ones who go regularly are encouraged to make a gold donation – hell I think the least we can all do is make a gold donation, I don’t know anywhere else where I can get a yoga class for $2 at the most). I have never been before, but I have a good friend who has gone to every single class since they started six months ago and she loves it. She has tried so often to get me to go along with her, telling me how much better she feels for going, and how it just makes her feel taller and stronger. But I always associated yoga with hippies. I laughed when people would talk about doing the downward dog and other moves (I won’t pretend that I know any other names, except for the downward dog), but I have to take back everything I have ever said. I apologise to all yoga lovers and goers out there. I was wrong. I have a newfound respect for those of you that put yourself through that torture every week. You are all awesome! I swear to God!

    Turns out though, that being fat and doing yoga do not go hand in hand. Turns out that when you have a big stomach, it makes some of the moves very hard, trying to kneel and bend and touch my toes (TOES? I could barely touch my knees thanksverymuchly). It also turns out that when you have a plate in your wrist and can’t do weight bearing exercises using that wrist, it also makes it quite hard. But you know what, I did the whole class, only stopping twice to say “WTF???” but quickly getting back into it. I didn’t burn a whole lot of calories, but I’m okay with that. I get now why my friend kept going on about it. I left that class feeling stretched and pulled and overall more relaxed with myself and my life. I still don’t get the mumbo jumbo (again, sorry for offending all yoga lovers out there) that goes along with it, I can’t quite get that last relaxation part happening, I don’t lie there thinking of sandy beaches and thanking my body for being wonderful (because let’s face it, my body isn’t wonderful – yet), I lie there during the relaxing part thinking of all the things I have to do when I get home. But maybe with time, I might get that last relaxing part. Strangely, I’m looking forward to next Monday when I will be attending my second ever yoga class, and then again on Wednesday. I’m going to make the most of these free (or rather, gold coin donation) classes while they last.

So here’s to trying new things. Saying ugly words to empower yourself and not letting others hurt you with those words and to trying exercises that you only ever found to be kooky. I know I feel better for trying these new things. So what new things have you tried lately?

A loss… and a win (or two)

Tuesdays are supposed to be my super smash it day, the theory being that I get up first thing in the morning and go for a swim, do my 40 laps and then have a nice relaxing spa for ten minutes before heading home to start the day, whereupon I finish work and head back to the pool to do an aquaerobics class. That’s the theory anyway. The reality was that I spent way too long watching tv last night and ended up turning my alarm off this morning and sleeping. It was bad and it was the wrong thing to do, but I know my body well enough by now to know that if I had gotten up, by 2pm today I’d have been a walking zombie (note to self, get some more iron tablets from the chemist…) So I felt quite guilty this morning when I finally got up and Mick asked me what happened to my early morning session. I think the look I gave him was enough for him to know that this was NOT a conversation to have with me first thing without any coffee (bless him, he really is so patient and tolerant with me). So that was my loss.

But – and yes, there’s a but – I had a win. Actually I had two wins. One a physical win, and two more mental.

First off, I did actually make it to aquaerobics tonight. Got home from work and put up our new Christmas tree (not a lot involved really, it’s just a wooden one, that really doesn’t require decorations – I’m going for minimalistic this year) and pottered around and contemplated – I hate to admit it, I really did contemplate it – calling my mate and telling her that I couldn’t make it to aquaerobics. But that’s giving in and I can’t continue to do that or I’m never going to get where I want to go (and I’m still trying to decide exactly where I want to go) so I struggled through the laziness and went off to do the class. And I’m so glad that I did. It was just fantastic. I could really feel it in my core and I think I’m going to continue to feel it tomorrow. I feel so refreshed and pumped now, that I’m really sad that I didn’t go swimming this morning. But it’s okay, there’s always tomorrow and every day after that.

Second little win was a thought that I had on the way home from work. Normally, when I get home from work, I scoff down food. Sometimes it’s healthy, most times it’s not. I have no idea why I thought of it as I was driving home, but I suddenly realised that A) I only eat when I get home because it’s habit, not because I’m actually hungry and B) I haven’t done that since I started 12WBT and OMG I’m still alive and haven’t starved to death… Hmmmm. So that just made me happy, because I realise that I can come home and just do things, without having to shove food in my face and that habits can be broken. Not that I think this habit is broken yet, but it’s a work in progress.

Third little win, was again a mental thing, and actually happened last night. I was watching TV last night (the reason that I was up so late and missed swimming this morning, so maybe this isn’t a win after all…. Might call it a draw) in particular the documentary “Fat, sick and nearly dead”, about Joe Cross who started drinking fresh juice every day for two months. Not just drinking a little juice, but only juice. He stopped eating and just drank. He convinced another few people to do the same and the whole time I was watching it, I was thinking “Wow, what an easy way to lose weight” (okay, now that I’m not half asleep, rationally, I know that wouldn’t be easy, would require a lot of willpower – we know I don’t have much of that, read above to see my exercising willpower *sigh*) at the time, I really thought that would be great. I watched him lose so much weight in two months and kept thinking to myself. Two months, that’s eight weeks, that’s two weeks less than the end time of this round of 12WBT. I could totally almost get to my goal weight in that time just by drinking juice! I almost convinced myself that I should do it. But then I mentally slapped myself. What the hell was I thinking? Why would anyone in their right mind (and I’m really sorry if you’re a fan of Joe Cross – if you are, maybe stop reading now…) why would anyone who is mildly sane, willingly cut out every other food group except for fruit and veggies to lose weight? That’s all he was doing to start with, drinking juice. Not exercising, not actually cooking food up, cutting it up, chewing it and swallowing it. Just drinking. WHY? Personally, I think he took the cheat’s, easy way out (and again, I know it wouldn’t be easy…) And that’s where I’m counting my last win. For brief moments, I seriously considered cutting out my eating and just drinking juice for a couple months. But I’m so glad to say that I thought better of it. I love that on this program I don’t have to give up any food group. That I can learn about healthy eating, that I can still enjoy the occasional piece of chocolate if I so wish to. That I am learning about exercising and creating a healthy balanced life. So to Michelle Bridges, I say Thank you. Thank you for not getting me to only drink juice (and it really was vile looking juice too!)

Now here’s hoping that tomorrow morning I get my lazy butt out of bed at 6am and do some exercise.

I’m back baby… Running that is

Today’s daily food intake…

Okay, maybe not running, but I’m back to my shuffling. So WooHoo and yay me!

Admittedly it took me two days more than I was saying it would. I swore I was going to get back out there on Friday and do it, but woke up so sore that I just couldn’t physically do it, and then I just lost my nerve. I know it sounds stupid for me to be scared to go for a shuffle/jog after only a little tumble, and it’s really hard to put into words the stupid irrational fears I have in my head. But I’ll try.

Three and a bit years ago I left my house in the morning to go to work. It was my fifth day at a brand new job, a job which I loved and was so excited to be going to. I stepped out on the path and there was broken concrete under my foot, which I hadn’t really noticed before. Hadn’t noticed until it came out from under my feet and I fell down. Hard. I smashed my wrist up, both bones, right up near the top where I couldn’t just have it wrapped in a cast. No, I had to do it hard and ended up with a plate in my wrist.

Broken Wrist

Side view of plate

Front view of plate

That alone was enough to scare the beejeezus out of me. I was too scared to walk alone anywhere because I didn’t want to fall over again. I went from being a girl who would wear heels everywhere, dancing for hours in stilettos, to someone who was too scared to walk with even flat shoes on, like I had on when I actually fell – that’s the weird part, I was wearing damned flat shoes when it happened. That broken wrist was just the start of the crappiness that followed though. I ended up with full blown pneumonia a week and a bit later – a result of the surgery on my wrist, and then it was almost a weekly trip back to the doctors having blood tests and ultrasounds to find out what was going on with my body after that – think liver and kidney problems. Then started the therapy to get movement back in my wrist – almost (actually sometimes moreso) as painful as breaking the wrist. Finally two months later I got back to that job I loved, but by then just getting to and from work was a struggle in itself.

But the worst, was the constant feeling of sadness and despair that came with all of this. Took me a while to really talk to the doctor about it, but eventually I was diagnosed with full blown depression – something I’d been fighting for years, but never done anything about because of the shame that I associated with it. But when I went to the doctor one day and just couldn’t actually get any words out because of the tears that were choking up my throat. I couldn’t explain what was wrong with me. I didn’t know why I wanted to cry all the time, why getting out of bed every day was a struggle. How just looking at the scar that I now had on my wrist could leave me sitting in a pile of mush for days and make me want to vomit. That was probably the best doctor visit I ever made, because to be honest, I don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t gone to the docs.

This is just a quick overview of the crap that happened all at the same time. I know it wasn’t all caused by the broken wrist, but every time I think of falling, I just associate it with bad things. Very bad things. It’s stupid. It’s irrational. But it’s just something that’s so hard to get over. I’m trying and the fact that I actually got back out there today and did a jog (a slow and careful jog, with Mick right by my side the whole time – even though he caved earlier than I did…) shows that I’ve come a long way, because three years ago I would have gone back inside, shut the door and not gone back outside for a week – and that’s after sitting down and bawling for a few hours. One day, I’ll be able to get back up after falling, brush it aside and just keep going. But until then I’ll just take it one day at a time and keep trying.

But the positive thing to take away from this (very maudlin – I’m sorry, it wasn’t where I was going with this post, it just kinda came out) is that…

I jogged again today.

Yeah baby, I’m back!

Hurting bad

Today’s daily food intake…

Weigh in day – yesterday (oops)

Previous weight: 103.4kg.
Today’s weight: 102.6kg.
0.8kg loss

Today was not my day!

Finally, finally after so many times trying I got up at 6.20am ready and energised from yesterday to do my shuffle in the morning. Got myself dressed and out the door, ready to do the whole route this morning before I had to go home and get ready for work.

Right, well that lasted a whole ten f*cking minutes. I was really pumping my legs and jogging (it wasn’t even shuffling today, it was proper jogging) and my back was straight, my arms were pumping, I was breathing well…


Until my shoe found a rock (or a twig, or something, I don’t even know what now) and I fell. Not on my arse, no. Flat on my face. Arms outstretched, jarred my plated wrist and smacked my teeth into my lip. All I could do was get up in masses of pain and literally scream “Why the hell does this happen to me all the bloody time?” I was so upset. I was hurt, I was angry, I was sad and glum, I was every bad emotion you could think of.

It was at that point that I turned around and went home to assess the damage I’d managed to do to myself. So my total training time was 15 minutes. Unbelievable. Thankfully I didn’t chip any teeth, but the damage to my lip was not pretty. Sliced it nice and deep on the inside, bruised it at the bottom and managed to slice the outside of my lips both top and bottom. But the worst is that the impact of smacking my hand into the ground has left me with terrible wrist pain again all day, not to mention the fact that my palm is all grazed up too.

The damage I do to myself

More damage

But seriously, the worst part of it all is not the physical injuries but the mental thoughts going around and around in my head now. It took me so long to work up the courage to get out there and try running, telling myself that of course I’m not going to fall over again, I’m not going to break any more bones. And now I’ve gone and done that. Fallen over and hurt myself again and it sounds stupid, but I’m so damn scared of doing it again, because I really, really, really don’t want to break any more bones. I don’t want any more plates in my body and more than anything I don’t want any more scars on my body. But that’s all arguing with the want to be able to get out there and run. At the moment though, I just don’t know which voice in my head is going to win. But I do think I need to look at my exercise plan and perhaps change it in case I don’t get back out there shuffling.

Lessons learned while shuffling

I learned a few lessons today, while I did my afternoon shuffle. Let me share with you what they were:

  1. You shouldn’t turn your alarm off in the morning (I kinda knew this one already, but it’s been slammed home to me again today), because if you do turn your alarm off in the morning, that means you have to make your exercise up in the evening. Which means:

    • That you’re out in the heat and you sweat more.
    • You’re already knackered from a day at work, so it’s going to be even harder work for you when you do your shuffle and it’s really going to hurt more than in the mornings.
    • The cooking won’t have miraculously done itself while you’ve been out doing your shuffle, so you’re still going to have to go home to do it
  2. If you play little games, it makes it more fun and makes the time go quicker.
  3. When you really push yourself, you can do better than you thought you could!

Let me explain that last one. Last Monday when I did my shuffle I only managed to do 4.10km and that took me 43 minutes, which gave me an average pace of 5.56km/hr. Tonight when I did my shuffle I managed to do the whole planned track of 5.37km, and at the 43 minute mark I had done 4.60km – which is 500 metres more than my time on on Monday. I know that 500 metres doesn’t sound a lot, but to me that’s a whole helluva lot. Now while I’m in my statistician mode (I can see a whole new career coming on for me here…) here’s a couple more stats for y’all. My average pace last Monday was 5.56km/hr but today I had an average pace of 6.32km/hr. Yeah baby I’m gonna kick arse soon! I’m not quite at running yet, but by George I’m definitely getting quicker.

So to make the time go quicker and to really get my pace going quicker I played a little game with myself. I got my heart rate up to 155 and kept it there for a bit, then I jogged hard until I got my HR up to 170, held it there as long as I could and then dropped back to a walk, until my HR dropped back down to 155 and then repeated the process again and again. God that was killer. Almost like interval training. So that’s how my shuffle went today.

Tomorrow the plan is to NOT turn the alarm off in the morning and get it over and done with and out of the way first thing!

Gearing up for 12WBT to start

Today’s daily food intake…

Today was a pretty full on day for me. Got up this morning with Mick as he had to go to work and all I wanted was a sleep in, but it just didn’t happen. I long for the day when I get to sleep in again, it hasn’t happened for so long. If it’s not Mick waking up for work, it’s Maximus meowing for breakfast or it’s just me not being able to sleep. Now normally when I used to get up early, I would wait for Mick to go to work then stick on a DVD and that would be my day. The only time I would get up off the couch was to take toilet breaks, and then I’d make a stop by the pantry on my way back and grab some chips or chocolate and munch on that while watching something on TV. Then I’d wonder how I managed to watch a whole season of Gossip girl in a weekend… Well that’s how!

That was the old me. The new me got up with Mick, and waited till he went to work and then I put on my Jillian Michaels 30 day shred DVD and died!!! Seriously, that woman makes you kick your own arse. I thought I worked hard when I did Zumba, but that DVD got me working harder than I’ve worked in ages. It was a really hard workout, a lot of getting up and down on and off the floor, but it was enjoyable all the same. I can’t say I love it as much as Zumba, but I definitely work harder doing that one than I do in Zumba.

So after that was all over and done with and my heart rate had gone back to normal I went to meet the lovely Miss A to do our time trial. I’m not going to give away what time we did it in, tell you that tomorrow with the rest of my fitness test results, but I’m happy to say that I beat my last time and am pretty pleased with it. So now I’m gearing up and getting ready for the official start on Monday. Would love to have a rest day tomorrow and just mooch all day, but alas, no exercise on Friday and little on Wednesday and Thursday means I still have to work my butt off tomorrow. I believe I will be doing that by completing stage 1 of the 30 day shred again. Maybe I’ll do it twice and really burn those extra calories.

12WBT pre-season task #7 – Organise and diarize




Monday 6.30-7.30am RFBR program (shuffle)
  5.30-6.30pm Jillian Michaels – 30 day shred or Zumba dvd
Tuesday 6.30-7.30am RFBR program (shuffle)
  5.30-6.30pm Swimming and aquaerobics
Wednesday 6.30-7.30am RFBR program (shuffle)
  5.30-6.30pm Softball training. When softball ends, replace with a bike ride
Thursday 5.30-6.30pm Swimming
Friday 6.30-7.30am RFBR program (shuffle)
Saturday Morning RFBR program (shuffle) and Zumba dvd
  1-3pm Softball. When softball ends, rest
Sunday All day Rest day! Ahhhh…


After my disastrous attempts at exercising after finding the pool closed yesterday I have decided that I am going to have a few back-up plans for "just in case"

  • If it is pouring down with rain in the mornings when I’m going to go for my shuffle I will instead chuck on either a Jillian Michaels, Michelle Bridges or Zumba dvd and do this inside. When finances allow I’m going to look into perhaps hiring a treadmill for indoor use.
  • Again, if the swimming pool is closed I will either:
    1. Go to one of the numerous beaches surrounding me and swim in the ocean – weather permitting
    2. Go home and do an exercise dvd of the toning variety
    3. If I have invested in a gym membership by then (a slight possibility) I will head to the gym to do a class and weights.

Run Fat B!tch Run

If you read my blog (and according to the stats, some of you do, which I have to say is very lovely to see…) you may recall that I got quite excited last Thursday because some books I had ordered had arrived. Well I didn’t get a chance to read anything on Thursday night, but Friday night after the dishes were done (well, put in the dishwasher…) I went to bed while Mick stayed up watching something on TV and started reading Run Fat B!tch Run, by Ruth Field.

Oh. My. God. Brilliance, pure brilliance. I finished it this morning and I have to say that I’m really inspired (perhaps not to the point where I’ve gotten out there and actually put my shoes on and hit the ground, but more on that in a minute). If you’re interested in running, learning to run, wanting to get fit, or just want a read that’s actually quite funny then I cannot recommend this book enough. It’s written in such a straight forward way, doesn’t pull any punches and has quite a few “aha” moments and lots of full on belly laughter moments (for me anyway). A few things that in particular caught my interest:

The Grit Doctor says
Either do this thing or don’t, but don’t disempower yourself by making up excuses all the time. It is boring and makes you weak. Choose ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and cut out the rubbish in-between.

How much sense does that make, and how well does it ring with people who are doing the 12WBT? Excuses people, it’s for the weak!

The Grit Doctor says
Dieting is a dirty word. It is never about slavishly following a diet. It is about changing habits, shifting attitudes and taking responsibility for your body.

Again, this just rings so true and is exactly what the 12WBT program is all about. Not dieting, but changing how we think of food and learning how to eat healthy again.

And a couple of things I just laughed out loud reading when talking about dieting delusions:

5. I don’t like water
I’m not asking you to like water. I am telling you to drink it. There is a distinction between the two. I don’t think to myself, ‘Ooh yum, I’d love nothing more right now than another glass of tap water!’

6. I have a really slow metabolism
Bullshit. You are overweight because you eat too much of the wrong food.

I could go on with the quotes, my book is full of little pink post-it notes hanging off the sides, there is just so much of the book that rang true with me. I’ve tried doing the C25K program, a couple of times now, because I really want to learn to run. I don’t know why, because when I have done my little shuffle (I refuse to call it a run, it’s only a shuffle) I have hated it, but I suppose I want to be like one of those women I see constantly here in town, running around and just looking healthy. That’s what I want to be. I want to be happy and healthy and to be able to burn lots of calories – and cheaply. So that’s why I tried the C25K program. But you know what, I’ve never, ever gotten past the first week of it. I’m not saying that the program doesn’t work for some people, but for me, it’s not a winner.

So I’ve deleted the app from my phone and am going to be putting my energy into learning to run the Fat Bitch way. The only thing I’m going to be doing differently is that this book recommends you start running first and worry about diet when you have the running down pat. Well I’m already working on my diet, and considering I’m paying (a fair bit of) good money for 12WBT I’m not quite ready to just ignore that part and concentrate on running. I do believe that I’m well established enough in my healthy eating habits now that I can start to incorporate the learning to run part into my life as well.

So my alarm is set for 6.20am tomorrow morning – giving myself 10 minutes to get myself toileted and dressed and out the door, so that I can be back in by 7.30am and get ready for work. I’ve given Mick instructions not to let me go back to sleep but to pinch me until I get out of bed. No excuses anymore people! I’ve mapped out my route and because I’m only going to be walking it tomorrow I don’t know that I’ll get the whole thing done in an hour (I’m a slow walker, what can I say), but I may even give it a go with the whole track tomorrow when I get home from work and see just how long it takes me to walk it.

The weird thing is, I’m actually quite excited about this. I think I may have actually stumbled onto a program (if you can call it that) that is going to work for me. But don’t worry I’ll keep you updated on my progress!

And if you haven’t yet, check out the links, buy the book and read it (at the very least, visit her website). Awesome!

Softball and I are not the best of friends

Today’s daily food intake…

When we first moved over to Port Lincoln five months ago I was talked into joining a softball team. I had my reservations because in my (nearly) 36 years I’ve never, ever, played team sports. I did calisthenics for a while when I was very young, and did jazz ballet for a couple of years in my early teens, but I’ve never joined in with sports that involved balls, I have this irrational fear of balls that come flying at me. I don’t know why, I’ve never been hit by one or anything, I think there has always just been the fear that if I got hit, it was going to hurt.

But when we moved here, I knew barely anyone, and I was talked into joining a team, with the promise that a friend was going to join with me. But then she went and had herself some baby twins, so she didn’t end up joining. But I still did. And I’ve been dreading every single game ever since. Because, quite plainly, I suck.

I try, I really do, but I don’t seem to be getting any better. Late last year, I finally got my first run in the game, I got so excited that when I crossed the plate I did a little jig. The little jig ended up in my taking a bit of a tumble, and because I instinctively put my arm up to protect my wrist, I came down pretty hard on my side and managed to break a rib. So now I’m even more reluctant to get out there and play.

So I had my first game back today and I will admit I was almost in tears thinking about going out there and playing. I don’t know why it freaks me out so much. I play right field (where they put the people who can’t catch – ie. Me) and I do a lot of standing around or minor shuffling from side to side to keep myself moving, while occasionally the ball comes out my way and I get it, and I know that it’s not all on me if we win or lose, but I hate letting the team down and I just feel like I keep letting them down by sucking so badly.

The weird thing is, that as much as I dread going out there and playing, by the time we are half way through I’m starting to enjoy the game. By the end of the game I’m actually enjoying it and feel a little sad that it’s over.

We only have three more games of this season left and then I have to decide whether I’m going to go back next year or not. I’ve spent so much money on gear for this game that it would be silly not to continue, but do I want to keep doing this dread thing, or will I maybe just naturally get better at the game as I get fitter, or will I always just suck at the game. Argh I just don’t know anymore.

On the plus side when I got home from softball today, before I had a chance to even think about it or change my mind I changed my top, put Hettie on and did some Zumba. I was pleasantly surprised and a bit sad to see that I don’t burn as many calories doing Zumba anymore – happy because that means I’m getting fitter, sadder because that means I have to work harder to burn calories now. And because I was in a mood, and wanted to burn those 500 calories, when Zumba finished I did a bit of Wii Fit just to bring myself up. Now I feel good!

Bookish goodness

Today’s daily food intake…

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the morning news when they had an interview with a lady called Ruth Field who had written a book called Run Fat B!tch Run. It was only a very brief interview and they didn’t really ask her any questions of great importance, in fact it was a pretty crap interview, but what really stuck with me was the title of the book. It sounded just like the book for me, something that would speak to me in no nonsense terms and tell me what to do. Even if it is in a very straightforward way.

So I jumped online, went to Book Depository (quite possibly the best ever bookshop in the world, free delivery people, free delivery!) and ordered it.

Guess what! It came today. I’ve only had a chance to have a quick look at the first few pages, but already, I think this might be the book for me. In particular, before you even get to the introduction, you get a pledge to sign, and boy do I love the straight talking in The Pledge.

On a side note, I did also order online late last week Michelle Bridges new The no excuses cookbook and it also arrived today, so it’s been a great day of bookish goodness for me. The recipes in this cookbook look divine and I can’t wait to read this one also and start making the recipes. Having had a quick flick through I’ve already picked my first breakfast that I’m going to make, just looks awesomely delicious and yummy – Sweet couscous with orange juice and dried fruit.

Now my big dilemma is which one do I read first, and when do I read them in between exercising, cooking and blogging? Help I need more hours in my day.