I thought I was stronger than this

I’ve fluctuated through my life in how I feel about myself. Most of the time I’m kind of MEH when it comes to self thought and worth. I don’t think I’m particularly great, I don’t think I’m particularly bad.

But lately, it’s been a real struggle. To set the story: we had a merger back in August last year and the existing manager from the other area took us all over. Since then it’s been feeling very much like the end of the original team and a slow invasion of the “south” contingent. Staff who were here previously have found that their jobs are now non-existent, others who have gone on maternity leave have yet to be replaced, while staff from down south who have left have been replaced straight away. So I found out a couple of weeks ago that the contract position I’m in won’t be renewed. This shouldn’t come as a shock to me, I always knew it was only a contract position and I shouldn’t have expected an extension. No, what shocked me was that if I wanted to continue in this position I had to re-apply for it, because according to the manager, “the job had been changed quite substantially, so we are unable to roll you over, but we really want to encourage you to apply for it of course.”

I thought about this continuously over the next week or two. One day, I had decided to apply, the next I had decided I wouldn’t. Then it came time for our monthly team meeting, where everyone from all regions gather together. So fast forward an hour of the (very) boring meeting and up comes the news about my job and another being advertised, when the manager announces, that they have both been advertised externally (I work for a government department, so jobs are usually only advertised internally). And in her words again – “I like to advertise externally, let’s me see what new blood is out there. And I think it’s time we got some new blood to replace the old blood in here.” Slap. Me. Stupid! I could not believe she had just said that, in front of everyone. I honestly don’t think I have ever been quite so humiliated in my life.

Bad enough that I had gone to an interview just earlier that week, and was pretty confident I hadn’t gotten the position (a week ago now, and I still haven’t heard one way or another). Let’s just say, I was in a fragile state. That just made it worse. I’ve never felt so low, or humiliated, or worth next to nothing before. No one has ever, ever done that to me before.

And all of this just now has me questioning my whole life and career and where do I go from here? What am I worth? How shit at my job am I really, and have I just managed to coast along all this time? And Oh. My. God, where the hell is the freaking chocolate. If I manage to stay true to the 12wbt program over the next few weeks I’ll be super amazed. I have totally lost the enthusiasm for anything. Dragging myself out of bed in the morning to go to work, where I know I’m not at all valued is getting harder and harder each day, and I still have 6 weeks left here, and I’m still no closer to deciding my own fate for the future.

Why, when things were going good (not great, but good) do they have to always turn to such utter crap? So thanks for listening to my whinge.

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