Mixed emotions

Yesterday a very dear friend told me that she was pregnant. Momentous news that usually brings happiness and goodwill to people, and congratulations all around and the exciting prospect of that new baby smell and warmth and general feelings of gladness and goodness. I’m no exception. I felt all those things when she told me on the phone that she was pregnant. I squealed with excitement, which brought strange looks from the people in the office, and then I started crying, for her, and then, for me. What I’m about to say may make everyone hate me and call me a horrible evil selfish bitch (which I quite likely could be), but right now I don’t really care, this is my blog and my emotions which I own and no one else does.

I am happy for her, I really am. I know that this is something that they have wanted, though admittedly it was more planned for the future. But I’m so sad for me. At a time when I feel like my life is falling apart and everything I have always wanted just seems to slip away from me and be just out of my reach, I’m finding it really hard to be sitting with her, saying congratulations I’m so happy for you, while thinking – Why not me? Why couldn’t it have been me? Dont’ get me wrong, I’m happy that I’m not pregnant right now, because let’s be honest, being pregnant right now would have just brought up even more complications with Mr Driller that I couldn’t cope with right now, but having a family was always something that I really wanted, and it just feels like it will never happen. I’m getting older, I’m not getting any wiser and my relationships are just as fucked up as they have always been. (While I’m being completely honest, I’d probably make a really screwed up mother anyway, so I’m probably doing any unborn children of mine a favour by keeping them unborn *sigh*).

So how do I cope with my feelings of jealousy and never let her know how I feel? How do I continue being friends with her, when I know that soon most conversations are going to centre around babies and how she is feeling about being pregnant and her plans for her future and her babies future, while I feel like I’m being ripped apart inside. How do I keep my fake fake smile plastered on my face for the next 8 months? How do I plan her baby shower, which I stupidly opened my mouth up and said I would do? Even though a huge part of me wants nothing to do with it, and the other part of me would never ever let anyone else dare plan it without my approval!!! (Okay that’s obsessive planner in me coming out). Is this going to get easier? Will there come a point soon (please god let it come soon), where I can honestly say, I’M SO BLOODYHAPPY FOR YOU!!!!! And mean that 100% instead of only 80%, and feel no jealousy for myself? Will I ever stop being such a horrible horrible person?