This is who I am

As I said in my first post I have always been fat. I could say I have always been overweight, but the truth is, I have always been fat. I find fat such an ugly word, but it’s the truth of the matter. As far back as I can remember I have always had issues with my weight. I come from a Scandinavian family and have grown up eating lots of potatoes, lots of pork and beef and lots and lots of gravy. Oh let me not forget the fresh bread rolls on weekends, and the lashings of Danish butter that was put onto those rolls. Oh yes, breakfast, lunch and dinner at our house were always a treat.

Now all that food wouldn’t have been quite so bad as it was, had I exercised. But I didn’t. I come from a pretty religious family (I’m not really religious anymore, being forced to go to church as a child put me off for life) – to the point where competition sports were banned or at the very least heavily frowned upon. So there was little to no exercise happening for me to burn off all those calories. Now I realise that this all sounds like a lot of excuses, but if it’s in the past does it still count as excuses? Or has it now become a reality?

So as I got older I gradually let the weight creep on. It was always in the back of my mind, every time I had to buy a new pair of pants, because the last pair I bought didn’t fit anymore. But always it was the same thing, I’ll start a diet on Monday. So I did. Always started a half arsed diet on Monday, which was more like a starvation diet. So by Monday afternoon I’d have completely given in to the lure of food again and be pigging out on chips and crap. And the attitude I was taking was “well I’ve stuffed up this week, I’ll start again next week”, and the next week was exactly the same as the one before it. At no point did I actually stop and consider what I was doing to myself, or that maybe I should get a little more active and do some exercise. Nope, it was magically going to fall off me, this extra weight.

About 3 years ago now, I finally decided to turn a new leaf and do it properly. So I joined a gym for the first time in my life, which was quite possibly the scariest moment of my life. I joined a Fernwood, I wasn’t ready to face a gym with a lot of men watching the fat bounce around while I exercised. I got myself a personal trainer and joined their eating program. I had real success and lost nearly 10kg. I was so proud of myself, the hard work was worth it. You’d think that would have kept me motivated, and that I would have kept going and lost more. But no, I slowly started drifting back into my old ways – partying, partying and a little more partying. What I didn’t know at the time, but possibly should have realised, was that I wasn’t dealing with some pretty big issues in my life. Issues that go back to childhood. I needed to fix my head, before I could fix the rest of me.

Then came 18 months ago. Leaving home in the morning I tripped over some loose concrete and broke my wrist. Pretty badly smashed it up, plates and pins holding it together. Here came more bad eating, and absolutely no exercise, and a lot of weight gain. I have the greatest partner in the world, who stood by me through all of this, never once mentioning the fact that I was getting unhealthier and unhealthier. Breaking my wrist really is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but in some ways, it was also the best. It brought me to the lowest point I have ever been in my life, to the point where I had to get professional help. But I did, and it’s helped. Very slowly. I still have issues with my wrist – it doesn’t move properly anymore, and I have very little strength in it, but I now realise that there are other things I can do to exercise that doesn’t include using my wrist. My main thing to get over now is the fear that I have, deep down, that I’m going to do something to break it again. (Apparently I might still need a little more professional help).

So now I have joined Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program. Already I am noticing differences in my attitude. Yes I have a long way to go, and yes I know that this isn’t going to be an easy time, and I’m going to have to work hard – really hard – but I’m here for the long haul. And I’m going to share every single painful moment with you all.