Why do I do things?

Okay so by now I am probably annoying you all with my obsessing. Hell I annoy myself. But yes I’ve been obsessing over things again. And what have I been obsessing over you ask? (Well you probably didn’t but I’m going to tell you anyway.) I’ve been obsessing over why I slept with these two guys.

When I sit down and think about it, and I am doing it a bit at the moment cos I’m pretty bored at work, I just keep slapping myself. Yes I liked them both, but I didn’t like them that much that I wanted to sleep with them straight away like that. And you are probably all thinking well obviously you did like them that much to because you did sleep wtih them. So let me rephrase. I was attracted to them both. Very. But with Mr Hottie I wanted more, I wanted the whole lot, with Mr Chef it was just something that happened. Never expected or really wanted more. And if I had wanted more with him I’d slap myself out of that, because that would be a dumb thing to want, and would never happen anyway, because I know I’d never be good enough for him. Which makes me wonder, did I just sleep with them to make myself feel good? To feel something for someone? To maybe feel like someone felt something for me even if it was only for a couple hours? And isn’t that just a really sad reason for sleeping with someone? Just to FEEL something for a while?

I regret it. I really do. I could have stopped the joking around with Mr Hottie at any time, and yeah, I’d have slapped myself for missed opportunities, but it would have been better than this whole feeling like absolute utter worthless and good for only a couple hours crap. And the same goes for Mr Chef.

So I’m revising all my New Years resolutions.
1. No smoking! (16 days and counting)
2. Drinking alcohol 1 day a week.
3. No more one night stands. No sex with anyone who doesn’t think I’m good enough for more than a couple hours.
4. No more feeling worthless. (Okay gotta work on that one a bit more)
5. Go to the gym at least 4 times a week and start eating properly again.

Maybe I should just revise number 3. No men in general. Men hurt you. I’m tired of being hurt. You can take about so much and then enough is enough.

Okay gotta go


  • Marshmallow

    January 16, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    Congrats on 16 days without smoking!

    I can understand why you wanted to feel something good – but you don’t need to sleep with men who will never value you to feel good! I hope I don’t sound patronising, since I have ZERO experience in the men department (with my rather ‘impressive’ trifecta of neverHadABoyfriend-neverBeenKissed-neverBeenOnADate), though I hope that you can find happiness WITHOUT counting on a man to do so.

    Take care, okay? *HUGZ*

  • helen (miss english)

    January 17, 2007 at 5:58 am

    hey hey my chick chick hope you are ok very worried I WILL CALL THIS WEEKEND! and i am very jel of the beach hope your burning stops soon, oh yeah i am picking my wedding cake tomorrow miss ya loadsxxx

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