Self Sabotage

When you are trying to eat well and exercise you usually do it for a reason right?  My reason of course, is to lose all that extra extra extra weight that I have.  So with that in mind, and remembering that I have given myself little mini treats everytime I lose 5kg, you think that maybe it would help me keep on track wouldn’t you?

For the last couple of weeks I haven’t been happy Tina.  I’ve just been Tina.  Don’t get me wrong, I go out and I’m happy, but it’s all just a front.  I go home and I get all depressive again.  But that’s it, I keep going out.  And I’m eating crap and I’m back onto the whole binge drinking thing again.  I go down to the pub during the week and I’m okay, I still eat okay, and I drink water (and let me tell you, I’m getting a reputation down there now for being sad and glum, simply because I’m drinking water and not alcohol). 

But come the weekend – Friday night – I go from the gym straight to the pub.  I go with the intention of only having water, or Zero Coke, but my resolve crumbles and I have ONE drink.  And I keep telling myself that it’s okay I will only have ONE drink.  But I never do.  Then I start remembering how much fun I have when I have more to drink (even though I know that I still have fun when I’m sober), and everyone else is drinking around me, and then we go out dancing and I drink and drink and drink.  The way I justify it?  I dance.  And I say it’s okay, whatever I’m drinking at the moment I am working off with all the dancing (because when I start dancing I just don’t stop and I spend the rest of the night dancing, it really could be a good workout if I stuck to water lol).

And that is just the drinking.  Then there is my eating crap food.  Probably not as big a problem as my drinking at the moment.  But I get the feeling it’s just sitting there in the background till I stop drinking then that will raise it’s ugly head and pop up to say hi.

So anyway, I was babysitting Munchkin yesterday and wondering to myself why  I do it.  Is it because deep down I don’t really want to lose weight?  I mean, I know I do, but what if I lose weight and I’m still this sad loner of a creature.  What if my life doesn’t turn around the way I hope it will.  What will I have to blame then?  If I’m not overweight, I don’t have anything else to blame except myself.  It’s kind of nice being fat, cos I can always just blame that – “Oh that person doesn’t like fat people!!” But what if?  I think maybe I need to just try and get all of those negative thoughts out of my head and just concentrate on losing weight.  Tackle all the what if’s when I have reached my goal weight, because god knows that will take long enough.

On a positive note though – even though I did have shitloads of alcohol on the weekend I still lost 900gm, which has brought me down to 100kg even!  Which means I can get my first 5kg reward (okay technically I have only lost 4.6kg, but it makes it easier to bring it to the 100 even mark.  My next reward won’t be till 95kg okay…..)  So I’m pretty chuffed.  But I also realise I have to be extra good this week or those alcoholic drinks are going to creep into next weeks weigh in……